Ali..

and cigarettes.

We met the day after Valentine’s day. I thought you were oh-so-perfect. You’re so gorgeous, and you have the cutest voice. We skyped, and made each other cute little signs saying all these cute little things. I fucked it up, and started dating someone else because I thought you had abandoned me, or got bored with me. I don’t even know what I was thinking, but you quit talking to me so I assumed the worst. That’s just how I am, I’m not a positive person. We have dated a few times after that. Everytime it just kept getting worse and worse. It seems like you only want to play with my heart, because all you do is play these games with me. It’s the most painful experience, emotionally to have the person you Love, the person who keeps you alive, play with your head like that. You say you Love me, and that you want to be with me, but all you do is play with me. It’s like you don’t understand how much I Love you, and how much I care for you. You’ve called me names, you’ve cheated on me, you’ve done horrible things, and made me want to commit suicide. I stayed strong, because I figured that someday you would come around, and learn that I really do Love you, more than anyone else in the entire world. I’ve lost hope in that thought now, because I can see that you aren’t going to change. Our problems are enormous. You flirt with other boys while we are “together” and you ignore me. I can’t stand being ignored, period. I don’t think you quite understand how much it affects me, when you do this to me. I’ve never met someone who can make me feel like you make me feel. It’s like I forget everyone else in the world, and nothing else matters to me. The thought of losing you makes me cry, because I can’t live without you. I Love you, so much. I feel stupid, but if you can’t stand feeling stupid, you’ll never be in Love. Love makes you do stupid things, I get so paranoid that you’re going to leave me, that I text you non-stop when you don’t text me back. It does me no good, because in the end you leave me, and we don’t talk for weeks, or months. I must not be good enough for you. I understand though, because I’m not a good person; apparently. I’m not good enough for you, even though nobody has ever shown you they care as much as I do. I drove up to go meet you, and you blew me off. I don’t think I’ve ever had a more rough night, then I did that one. It was terrible, I was heartbroken, and near tears. I’m not a masculine guy, I know that. I accept who I am, I’ll never be like any other guy, because I’m not really a guy, in that sense. I just.. Love you so much, and I wish you could see that, and we could be “perfect” again. That’s the only thing I ever want..
I live for you, I breath for you, everyday we aren’t talking I think about you, and get sad, and want to cry because you aren’t talking to me.
I wish you could understand how I care for you, and how I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I don’t care what anyone says about you, I’ll chase after you until my dying day. Even if it means being as hurt as I am right now, the feelings you give me are worth far more than the pain. Maybe that’s pathetic, but that’s Love. I will always forgive you, and come back to you, no matter what price my emotional state pays.
I love you so much, Alexandra Roseann Hargrove..